6AM 11-18-11

I am waiting to go in and get my head cracked open, then hopefully all of this will be over. Boston Medical is where the blade will fall.

slice

well they are going in for the slice on 11-14-11. then lets hope after 6 months the twitching will be over. and then i can drive. there is only a 10% chance of a stroke and a 6% chance i could die. a 60% it will work. lol that and i wont be able to work for 4-6 weeks.

Crack an egg

well ive had a few tests done, one involved a tube run from my crotch, through my heart, to my head. there they put one side, then the other side of my head to sleep, seeing if i could speak with either side and testing my memory left and right. hopefully with the results of the test before the end of the year they are going to cut a 2 inch hole in the side of my head and take out all of the bad parts in my brain stopping my seizures forever. back to the fire.......... the asshole next door has proceeded to kill 12 of my bushes. my burning bush, my azalias, some of my trees, he just kept cutting things flat to the ground, not even a stump. just flat to the ground? i wanted to dump gallons of bleach all over his yard, and of course i couldn't hold it in any more, i exploded! and i was the bad guy? he had been doing us a favor?

Everything should burn

Well we hadn't cut the grass so far the entire year so far.... It didn't look great but I still liked it. We had rabbits, lilies, roses, and more flowers and life every where. Then my mom said that she was going to have a neighbor and some guys come "clean it up". All they did was kill it all, nothing is taller than 4 inches now including some of the trees. My wild roses, that had belonged to my grandmother, are dead. The lilies have been ripped out, the lambsears are mowed flat, the Chinese lanterns disappeared? The list keeps going. Everything that I have known for decades, it even hurts to add an S to decade, is dead. Now my heart truly bleeds like the flower I have always loved. The even mutilated my Christmas tree almost turning it into a palm tree. I want to just pour gas and ignite the yard to end the pain. But of course if I say anything they are the ones to feel the pain and if I don't say anything they are still the ones to cry? And yet I am the one that lost all the things I have loved yet again.

well maybe they will fix me head

they took me off my pills wired me to a machine made me have a seizure then un plugged me when i was done, now im back on the pill waiting to possiby have the surgery in a month or two

mother earth & father time.......

well 5 more days till im 26, no idea what im doing yet? Dont even know if im doing anything. Lets see if anyone besides my mom remembers besides facebook

stupid doctors

Well first thing they asked me was how the surgery went...
They actually thought i had already had my head cut open and healed? WTF!?! I still have all my hair? So the guy tapped my knees, felt my hands, had me close my eyes and touch my nose, and said okay come back in 6 months. Oh? and did i mention this cost me $40?

Doing better...

I think I'm doing better? lol stopped cutting my arm, it's not like I ever did anything huge anyway, never really bled, just little scratches, My mom's coming back from brazil tomorrow, and then I start going to the Dr. to find out whether or not they are going to cut my head open. Let's see what else? My old friend B.K. moved in so I'm having fun, but thats only short term since then he's going back south to his home town to get away from his financial problems. Its nice to have him back again after almost a year of not talking to him. I think he got uncomfortable with how close we were getting so he needed to break it off. Hmm? The electric company wants to cut off our power? There are animals in the walls? The shower is still broken? I'm still waiting to see when we are losing the house? I have no idea how much money is wanted or needed? And i have to walk to work today......


I am doing better.....

I Told Him

Well i told him, he didnt ask..... I Told Him!? He was happy, and he was glad about the good news for me. But he was also upset that he finaly realized that now that he doesnt live with me anymore he is cut off from the 15% employee discount at walgreens... Its only the immediate family that LIVE with the employees. So he said he would go to CVS...

Surgery with an Ice cream Scoop

Well the dr. said I may be curable... The need to run some tests, the first of which would be putting me in a padded room for a week, as I'm taken off my meds, and wait for a seizure to come with wires glued to my head.... The if the tests are good, they will cut out the scar from the left side that is on the center of speech and memory.

Mitch has gone to spend time with his friend again, hasn't even asked me how it went, what they said, what might be done?

The dreams

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again.

Sometimes i wish i could just find a way stone or a portal stone or any other number of different thing from the wheel that would let me leave this world. Let me get to the wolves.... LOL though i could never live up to what perrin is.... Rand has left me, and i could never quite figure out who matt was? That or could this even be the third age? Is there a chance that the world is safe and not going to be destroyed if we dont save it?

Will i find my falcon? Soaring on the wind?

And the Music Never Plays

Well now he's selling his guitars too. i understand they are his. He need the money. But one of them is unique, i've never seen one that looks like that before, since i brought it here from brazil as a gift for him. I dont know. My mom left for her trip today. Wont be back from brazil until April 4th. Mitch leaves tomorrow. I can sit here and listen to my music.

Tossed in a heap

Well he just told me how terrible his day was, so he's going to go spend some time with his female friend, have a drink. And I'll just stay here where I'm laying since I wasn't offered to come along

Logic/Emotion

The worst part is that even if my mind knows it's his right to do what he wants, live where he needs, be what he thinks, my heart is the one that still feels betrayal, abandonment, his selfishness, and both of our worthlessness for different reasons. The mind and heart will fight and fight and fight and neither of them will never win the battle, but they do hold different fields and unfortunately my heart hoes my face no matter how hard I try and wipe it blank

Just Smile.....

Well he's still packing, and just told me that he's going to take the flat screen tv with him... Yes he did buy it, yes he did say he is going to leave the one from his bedroom in the livingroom, but then he gets a little frustrated at me when I say yep that's fine whatever you would like to do and just try to keep walking away. I'm letting him take the PS3 for the same reason.... But start the first of April he is going to have to start paying me $65 a month for the iPhone he has. I don't know..... My arm is all healed up again and I don't know if I want to nick it again.

Packin

Well now he's packing everything that he's been gathering for 23 years to take with him... So he can run away and leave us to live his better life of money, women, friends, and freedom! I won't even say anything to him... It's his choice, I'll just let it sit inside, slowly eating away aty heart or dripping out if the pressure needs to be sliced out...

worn but loved

it just dawned on me what i have been feeling like..... its like the tiger, the teddy bear, Woody, and all the other old toys from all the kid movies where a new better toy is brought into the kids life.

My brother is moving out in 6 days, he's 1 year and 9 months younger, but he can drive, he has a person, he has friends, and he has a developing well paying job.... and im just a cripple, that has to be driven from place to place, bounces from lover to lover, shares his friends, and has been at walgreens for 6 years.

So now i'll just be like the doll, let him live on his life as i sit on the shelf. If he wants to play with his past he can take me down, shake off the dust then put me back. It will be over an hour for him to come get me..... why would he want to

Losing The Life

Well i dont care anymore. Mitch is leaving because its easier to live with alex, we are giving up the house because its falling apart and we cant afford it anymore, and i have no idea what treasures we will be able to save. I think im the only person that feels anything? Mitch is all shits & giggles, mom is getting ready to go to brazil again, and all that they ask me again is if im going to have another siezure since i look depressed?

I started cutting.

More like scratching?

Just a razor blade, one quick pass, barely even making a mark on the skin, and almost no blood coming out, not even an inch long, running parole to the veins not perpendicular. just to let the pain and anger out.

There are so many memories im going to lose, not just in my head.

Bert's walking stick, grandmother's statues, the list keeps going... so many things i wont be able to bring.

AND A 45 OR 60 MINUTE COMUTE!?!?!?